


and after all this time.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009/2012/2015, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Japan, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 14:51:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14357748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: and Phil will never be able to get over the feeling of kissing someone that he loves. Loves. Such a prominent and defining word, but it fits, just the way that their lips do, the way their hands do, the way their bodies do.or three moments in Dan and Phil's life.





	and after all this time.

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to: the birthday girl! **@psychicmoth**
> 
> i was just like, if i'm going to stay up late to finish this fic i might as well do all three things you listed for prompt ideas for this fic.
> 
> happy birthday fi. <3

**2009.**

It’s a video. With questions. That’s the idea, at least. Phil is not sure how this is going to go down but he’s excited anyway. He watches as Dan prepares nervously, making sure every curl is straightened out. Phil finds himself completely enamoured by him, unable to conjure up any words because he just can’t seem to stop looking at him and touching him. 

Phil pokes his side while he does the last touch up and Dan laughs, “Stop it.” Poking him back. 

When the straightener gets put down and turned off Phil pulls Dan closer to him, bumping their noses together, and he kisses him softly, he wants to take this somewhere, but they have a video to record and it was already getting late, and that was fine, but if they didn’t do it now they wouldn’t ever do it. 

“Okay?” Phil says, pulling back, his hand is placed on Dan’s hips his fingers massaging small little circles to the exposed skin, Dan catches his breath. 

“Okay.” Dan says, getting into position with the questions in hand. 

*

It’s a crazy thing to feel like you can love this _one_ person forever, Phil thinks, they’re almost done with the questions, but he’s staring at Dan and he can’t help the fact that he just wants to be done and over with so he can hold him again. This feeling is overwhelming, like he’s never done this before with anyone. And in a way it’s true. He’s never let someone in like this, to see the parts of him that are so private, intimate, and vulnerable. 

“ _This was the most fun I’ve ever had,_ ” Dan says, in the kind of cool voice that he does when he’s trying to impress someone, it’s something that Phil has picked up on. 

He has a second to make a decision, and everything is so new and he wants to be impulsive, he wants this moment for himself. He doesn’t think about it for more than a second and he’s pushing Dan back, and his body hits the ground with him right on top. 

The camera is still rolling, but he can cut this out. He may, it’s too much, but it’s not enough. 

Dan makes a noise and then he laughs. 

“You scared me,” Dan says quietly, his hand reaching for Phil’s free hand to place on top of his chest. He feels his heartbeat, and he smiles a little, his hair tickling Dan’s face to which Dan moves it back just to see it flop again, it makes them both giggle. 

“I’m sorry.” Phil whispers, because he’s suddenly aware that he really is _right_ on top of Dan who doesn’t seem to mind too much. 

Dan places his hand around the back of Phil’s neck to pull him closer, and they’re kissing like they’ve been doing so much of lately, and Phil will never be able to get over the feeling of kissing someone that he loves. _Loves_. Such a prominent and defining word, but it fits, just the way that their lips do, the way their hands do, the way their bodies do. 

“The camera is still on,” Phil says in between kisses. He sighs, getting off of Dan and crawling to turn it off, but first he smiles to the camera, it’s a tiny memory saved forever, maybe in a couple of years he’ll look back on it and be glad that he saved it in the first place. He knows that he will. 

 

**2012.**

 

“Is it hard to love me?” Dan asks, bent over a computer. He’s scrolling through comments, something that Phil wishes he didn’t do especially when he’s already in a bad mood. It never gets him anywhere and Phil doesn’t understand why he’s so glued to his computer when he should just step away. 

Phil bites his lip, placing a hand on Dan’s shoulder and reading all the things that people are saying about them. A lot of it goes like: 

_Dan is such an asshole to Phil. I don’t know how he stands it if they are together?_

_I mean if the video is real i dont understand what happened lol maybe they broke up_

_I bet its hard to love dan_

Surprisingly, it’s the most tame thing they’ve read. Dan tends to focus on the more vulgar comments with words that hurt more than they should. Phil just ignores it all together. Still, it hurts. He doesn’t say anything as he finds himself sitting next to Dan, reaching over to play with his hair. 

When Dan gets in these moods it’s hard to connect, hard to touch him when he doesn’t want to be touched. He looks tired, but he always looks tired lately. Winter is coming in full force, they can feel it in their bones, things ache when they shouldn’t and it always feels just a little bit colder.

“Put the computer away.” Phil says reading one particularly long and mean comment. Dan tenses up, and Phil curls his hair around his finger. 

Dan bites down on his chapped lips, hovering over to reply like _that’ll show them._

Phil reaches out to snag Dan’s hand and he shakes his head. 

“It’s okay.” Phil says, seeing that there are things being said about himself.

Those are the comments that get Dan riled up the most when they involved Phil when they didn’t need to. While Phil appreciated it, he was learning not to care. He just wished Dan did the same. He didn’t though -- he ran either hot or cold with everything in his life, and that was one of the things he loved about him, he was passionate. Except sometimes being one strong emotion all the time caused a lot of heartache. 

“It’s not.” Dan says with a long and tired sigh. He has his fingers digging into his palms. 

“You’re right. It’s not. But what are we going to do about it?” Phil grabs one of his hands, smoothing out his palm and his fingers graze over the indents. 

Dan doesn’t say anything. Phil can hear him in the silence, _I don’t know._

Dan clicks out of everything, and he shuts his computer off and now they’re left with the sound of the cars passing in the street, an ambulance, and a dog barking downstairs. Phil always hopes for a peace of mind for Dan. Things always seemed to be a little bit too much, and he’s waiting for him to go completely off the edge. He doesn’t know how to help him, and doesn’t know what to do if he does. It pains him. 

Phil presses his lips to Dan’s cheek. “I’m going to order takeout and we can watch Formula 1.” 

Phil gets up now and Dan reaches out to grab Phil’s hand. They share a look, Dan is searching for something to tether him. Phil wants to say that he’ll be back, but instead he squeezes his hand, reaching out to take his laptop to charge in his room. 

*

Phil doesn’t care for Formula 1 but he loves Dan. It’s nice to see him gradually relax, he’s got his head against Phil’s shoulder, they’re both heading towards a food coma, having just eaten their feelings a bit with the dessert that Phil added. 

Dan turned the telly off and Phil was so lost in thought he hadn’t realised it. 

“I want to go to bed.” Dan says, picking up the blanket that was thrown over them and starting to fold it. Phil thinks that it’s giving his hands something to do, especially when he too is so lost in his own thoughts. They can try and prolong conversations that they need to have but they always end up having them. It’s amazing what their walls have heard and he wonders if the walls sympathize with them. He knows that they can’t, it’s just Phil had a tendency to humanize things when there wasn’t the need for it. They were just two adults, _young adults_ , trying to navigate through life and conflict, and learning how to love each other when they’re like this because it _is_ hard. 

Phil feels a little bit of nervousness in the pit of his stomach but he looks at Dan who fixes everything that feels off, and closes the cabinets and doors that Phil leaves open, and remembers to put the cap back on the toothpaste when Phil forgets, and reminds him to take his contact lenses out. It’s the same Dan who’s a little bit taller, a little bit older, but has the same careful smile, and brown eyes that have read and seen too much, but they still crinkle when he laughs. 

With the lights turned off and they’re both on their sides staring at each other he can feel Dan’s anxiety, it bounces off the walls. Phil reaches over to place a hand on top of Dan’s heart. He doesn’t have to say, _I’m scared_ , to know that he is. 

Phil is scared too. 

“Dan.” Phil whispers, reaching out to touch his face in the most gentle way that he can. His fingers skim across his cheeks, and his lips, and he reaches up to swirl his thumb against his nose and up between his brows, _a glabella _. The thought makes him nostalgic for a time once before.__

__“You love me.” Dan whispers back. He’s got his hands tangled in Phil’s free hand._ _

__“I do.” Phil replies, pulling Dan’s hand up to his lips._ _

__“But it’s hard to love me.”_ _

__Phil moves closer. “It’s easy to love you. It only hurts when you hurt.”_ _

__Before Dan can say anything Phil kisses him, his fingers curling into Dan’s hair, and Dan places his hands on Phil’s sides. The kiss holds all of their fears and anxieties, and while kisses can’t take it away it can solidify the fact that the other is always going to be there, no matter what, that will never change._ _

__“I love you.” Phil says now peppering kisses to his face, his neck, and collarbone. _I love you, I want to protect you, and I’m sorry that I can’t protect you from everything.__ _

__“I love you too.” Dan moves his hands up the back of Phil’s shirt and he breathes in his neck._ _

__They smell like each other, and it’s comforting to know that they’ve been around each other so much to have their own scent, but Dan misses the days when Phil smelt like- well. _Phil_. It was safe, and warm, and while it would always be safe and warm it’s just a little bit different, a little bit _too_ Dan. _ _

__“We can do this.” Phil says it loud enough for Dan to hear him, and he repeats it into his skin, repeats it so he can start to believe it. _We can do this, we can do this, we can do this._ _ _

__“If you could go anywhere right now, where would you want to go?” Dan asks, his hands are still running up and down Phil’s back lazily._ _

__“I don’t know. Maybe Japan. What about you?”_ _

__“I want to go wherever you go.”_ _

__Phil smiles, his heart just a little bit lighter._ _

__“Sounds like a plan.”_ _

__

__**2015.** _ _

__Japan is a breath of fresh air, and the best part is _no one knows them_. There’s a sense of anonymity that they feel being here. It’s chances to relax, and to sleep in a little longer and order room service and not have to think about the things back at home. It’s like they’re in their own tiny little world and no one can pop it. _ _

__Tonight it’s a view of Tokyo, a skybar much like their first date. Phil feels really reminiscent looking out at the view. He tries not to look down, he’s scared of heights but he loves being able to see everything. They finished their third round of cocktails and there’s a slight breeze against warmed cheeks and fuzzy brains._ _

__Dan stands next to Phil overlooking the view, bumping his shoulder against Phil’s. He smiles at Dan, the special kind of smile that not many get to see. Dan hides his face in his arms and he shakes his head._ _

__Vacations together were some of his favourite things. London was home, but being able to leave London was needed sometimes. For such a large city it sometimes felt small, and Phil found himself appreciating home more when he left. He could wait a while, he thinks. He could wait a couple more days to go home. He didn’t want to leave this feeling, like they could do anything or be anything because no one knew them._ _

__“We did it,” Dan says, bumping Phil’s shoulder again._ _

__The book was something that brought them closer together in a lot of ways, while they disagreed on a lot of things there was a lot of love poured into it. The last few weeks had been the most stressful, it was late nights and numerous amounts of coffee, and falling asleep at the table and waking up with a sore back. It was petty arguments and rolled eyes behind each other’s backs. Their friends were tired of hearing it and they were tired of complaining about it, but there was also a lot of making up in the ways that they knew how because in the end it wouldn’t matter, they could compromise or agree to disagree because that’s how it had to be when you have two people with very different styles but that was okay._ _

__“We did it.” Phil repeated, looking at Dan again, and he had one of the first relaxed faces that he hadn’t seen in a while. It was sometimes surprising, that this Dan was the same Dan that he met all those years ago, he looked the same in some ways but a little older, a little wiser. He didn’t think- reaching over to touch Dan’s cheek, he knew that there were people outside enjoying their meals, but he wanted to take this moment to be a little brave, _to be a little daring._ _ _

__“Are you proud?” Phil asks, he doesn’t know why he asks. Maybe a confirmation that they actually wrote a book, maybe because he knows that Dan would be just as enthusiastic about it as he was._ _

__“Yeah. A little bit,” Dan teases, “I’m a _little_ bit proud.” _ _

__“Oh, good. I’m glad you’re only a _little_ bit proud, I was worried there.” Phil laughs, shaking his head, wanting to stay in this moment for just a moment longer. _ _

__They’ve come a long way, Phil thinks, and they’re only just getting started._ _

__*_ _

__When they get back to the hotel they barely have the energy to change instead of just collapsing in bed like they wish they could. Phil has his eyes closed, his arm tucked underneath Dan’s head. It’s uncomfortable but it’s temporary, they both move around too much but they try and make an effort to cuddle if not for restless limbs._ _

__“Remember when you asked me if I could go anywhere, it’d be here?” Phil thought about that moment again, it felt like a lifetime ago._ _

__“Barely.” Dan says, his voice sounds distant, he’s almost asleep but staying awake for last one conversation before he’s gone. “Why?” He moves a little and Phil smiles._ _

__“Nothing, I just remembered it.” It was a different time then, thinking of how far they’ve come because it’s late and he’s feeling nostalgic and sentimental._ _

__“I guess I really do have a psychic boyfriend,” Dan teases, his lips pressing a quick kiss to his arm. “Please let me sleep now.”_ _

__Phil quietly laughs and tries to sleep now, hoping to dream about Dan or cherry blossoms with dogs. He knows he’ll definitely dream about one of them, he hopes that it’s the first one._ _

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> follow me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**


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